when it comes to conflicts and resolution: would you rather be right…or happy??

Back in February I went to one of Gabrielle Bernstein’s inspiring seminars in NYC. Gabrielle talked through conflict resolution, love and self love. One of her quotes has rung through my mind like a clock striking midnight every time I’ve encountered a personal conflict this year. When it comes to our approach to conflict resolution, she asked the crowd one simple question:

“Would you rather be right….or happy?”

That really struck a chord with me about how we communicate and behave in conflict (often in conflict with people we care a whole lot about like our significant others, parents and friends). It had me thinking about my goals, words and behaviors when it comes to conflict. If my goal was to win the argument, my approach might be strategic, aggressive and on the attack (no bueno!). In this instance, if you’re in conflict with your friend or partner, think about the potential consequences to winning an argument. Sure you’ve won, but now what? Don’t you still feel shitty, unsettled and unhappy, even worse is that you’ve left your partner feeling defeated, unheard and pretty darn low, as well.

Now, if your goal was to be happy, how would that change your approach when dealing with a conflict? Would you listen more? Try and empathize? Pose a compromise? Apologize? Forgive or ask for forgiveness?

I guess it all depends on your desired outcome.

For me, as I get more in tune with my core values and understand how I can create my own happiness and impact those around me, I’m choosing happiness.

Maybe that means forgiving myself for a misstep or a bad judgment. Maybe that means forgiving my opponent for hurting my feelings, or even not knowing. Maybe it means apologizing. And maybe it means learning from it and letting go. I’m sure you can think of a few examples from your own life to try and apply this new way of thinking.

We’re all human, and sh*t happens. And when it does, the next time around, step back and ask yourself: would I rather be happy or right?

I’m choosing happy. What about you?

Xo,
D

listen up: adding more value to our lives and community starts with you

Here’s one for ya…

Do you know what kind of value you’re adding? ….at work….in relationships….or in your community? Could you be adding (dare I say it)…more?

If we’re not adding value to our lives, relationships and community, then what’s it all about, really? Don’t we feel the most connected, meaningful and alive when we’ve made a difference in someones life (big or small).

Check in with yourself today and assess the different areas of your life. Determine where you are adding the most value (GO YOU!) and where you have room for more. Maybe you don’t know what your impact is. Hey! It’s okay to ask.

An easy place to start??

Listen.

Listen more this week. Listen to your friends, your boss, your clients and customers. Listen to what they’re saying(and not saying). Listen to what they need. One surefire way to add more value is to find the need and fill it.

It always amazes when I hear statistics on listening. And how most of the time when we think we’re listening, we’re usually spending most of the time thinking about the next thing we’re planning to say(how rude of us!). The good news is, awareness is the precursor to change, and now that you are aware you can go out and be a great(er) listener today.

Find small ways that work for you to add more value. Listening a little closer will help you tune in to the needs around you. Ask for feedback and BE CREATIVE, there are opportunities to contribute in many ways every day.

Some quick ways to add value: create a free newsletter on your favorite topic, volunteer, clean up a local park, plant a small tree, donate, call a friend, extend yourself, do a random act of kindness, take action, smile more…the list goes on.

Xo,
D

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The Forgiveness Challenge

When was the last time you truly forgave yourself or others for something that has happened in the past?

Did you know….that by not forgiving yourself or others for past mistakes, wrongdoings, or anything that may bring unpleasant thoughts to your life when you think about it…you are actually holding yourself back from moving forward and living to your FULL potential. It’s true.

Anything that brings up an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach (and heart) when you think about it, is something that you are knowingly letting yourself tolerate. This “toleration” so to speak, is filling the space in your mind, body and heart at this very moment (even if it is not in the forefront, it’s there). And, you know as well as I do, that two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time. So, by not forgiving yourself and others for the things that have happened in the past, you are actually keeping them in place and blocking other, better and greater, things from coming into your life. You are in control of these exchanges of space and it can start now.

The reason I am talking to you about forgiveness is because it is a truly powerful phenomenon what will happen when you consciously take the time to forgive YOURSELF (super important!) and others for what has happened in the past. Realize that WHATEVER it is, how big or small, relevant or irrelevant, if you are holding a grudge and judgment those are the things that are filling the “space” within you. Therefore, you are subconscious radiating “grudge”, “negative” and “judgments” and naturally repelling “love”, “happiness,” “fortune” and “success.” My wish for you is…exactly the opposite.

Thanksgiving is around the corner (a time for giving GREAT thanks)….just a few days away. But first, you must FORGIVE. For the next 3 days, I challenge you to think of anything that you haven’t truly forgiven and let go of. First and foremost, forgive yourself for not being perfect and accept that you will do your best moving forward and that you are GREAT just the way you are, past mistakes and all. Notice what happens internally and externally when you truly let go of the negative…forgive…and move on.

Look through the lens that “the world is inherently good,” and repeat the mantra that “everyone is doing the best that they can with what they are given.” Repeat this phrase without judgment while consciously freeing yourself of things that have happened in the past, to yourself and others.

Forgiveness is an incredibly powerful experience that’s benefits are limitless. Please feel free to share your experiences with forgiveness below; we are able to grow by connecting with and inspiring others. Cheers!

Can you go 21 days without a complaint?!?

The October edition of “The Feel Better Letter” (the newsletter at The Center for Self Growth) is intended to guide you into consciously changing your thoughts, language and communication to reflect more positive and intentional speak, actions and habits that will work for you, and not against you. (Click Here to sign up to receive a free monthly subscription to The Feel Better Letter or visit The CSG Blog).

This month, Beth (at The Center for Self Growth) and I were inspired by a non-profit organization called “A Complaint Free World.” This organization is dedicated to providing purple bracelets (similar to the “Live Strong” yellow bracelets), to symbolize the elimination of toxic communication in order to inspire positive change, hope and optimism.

Maya Angelou writes: “If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.”

It is proven that it takes 21 days to create a new habit. A Complaint Free World is challenging us to go 21 days without a complaint. The purple bracelets are meant to be a daily reminder of your commitment to the challenge. You start with the purple bracelet on one wrist and when you complain, criticize or gossip you switch it to the other wrist. The challenge is to go 21 days with the bracelet on the same wrist. Therefore, altering the way you think, speak and act for the better.

So, it may take a lot more than 21 days to create this habit. Give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself throughout the process. Give yourself credit for trying and when you complete the 21 days without a complaint you will feel happier, more joyful and that life is gliding along more gracefully. Involve others in the process by sharing your experience and including them as well.

One of my all time favorite quotes is “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” (Gandhi) Let the purple bracelet inspire yourself and others to be the change.

The first day of each new month presents us with a perfectly fresh moment in time to create new goals, change our habits and implement change in our lives. Simple conscious shifts in our thinking, speaking and acting can have a monumental affect on our overall health and happiness. The cycle that takes place when our subconscious thoughts are brought to our consciousness, allows us to intentionally shift how we think, feel and act. Therefore, each of us is in control of our positive and negative thoughts and habits.

Today is October 1^st….day ONE. Join us in our attempt to make October 2009 a Complaint Free month. Share your thoughts and experiences below! Together we can be the change!

Christmas in July!

Today, I’d like to spread some good cheer.

Lately I’ve been thinking about topics of conversation, and what areas of people’s lives they chose to share when talking to old friends, new friends, in passing and in sessions. In addition to how all of this relates to your own self-concept, self-care and overall happiness.

Sometimes I notice that in our society, people are trained to only highlight the negative things that are going on in their lives and the world around us. This cycle of negativity keeps getting passed on and therefore continues to live on. One person spreads some bad news in the office, and then there it goes like wild fire, the negativity train passes straight through and nearly picks up everyone on its path. Can you imagine if this kind of attitude was alive during the holidays? It simply would not fly! And shouldn’t for any other time of year either.

Don’t get me wrong, from time-to-time we are all entitled to have a crappy day, and from time-to-time life will takes its natural course and work (with what feels like) against us. But for the most part, our society is not accustomed to highlighting the positives. And I, my friend, would like to see this take a turn for the better.

Here’s a small daily exercise for you to try today to increase positivity, motivation and overall happiness. If you are already doing some sort of gratitude exercise, like I’ve mentioned in Give GREAT thanks to attract MORE into your life and My Daily Gratitude Reminder , then this may be an easy addition. Here it goes:

1. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and do a quick scan over your body, work, relationships, home life, personal goals, etc.
2. Ask yourself: What stands out to you? What is exciting today? What is a new accomplishment? A goal reached? A positive action taken? Etc.
3. Remember that in this exercise no matter how small or large the “positive” in your life seems, in terms of this exercise and this day, it is significant.
4. Write down the “positive” on a post-it or index card and stick it in plain sight for today.
5. This is your conversation starter, your positive mantra, and your “feel good” thought for the day.

Now that you have done this for yourself, the key is to take this feeling and this “positivity” and translate it into your environment, work, relationships, personal well-being for today and the next day. Start the positive chain reaction today, spread some good cheer of your own, wear it with pride, and inspire others to do the same.

Who says you can’t celebrate Christmas in July?

I welcome you to start small and start right now, leave a post with your “positive” for the day, share it with this community and inspire others to do the same! Cheers!

xo, DeAnna Lynn Englezos

Easier DONE than SAID

Life happens. Sometimes we are thrown COMPLETELY off course. There is the loss of a job, your car breakdowns, illness, etc. These are some of the predictable bumps in the road that I have previously talked about in “Tips for Navigating through Some of Life’s Inevitable Roadblocks: Be Patient, Trust the Process.”

But even more than the small bumps in the road, today I’m am talking about the big bumps in the road. A time when you really feel that nothing is falling into place, everything is working against you, or you have a complete loss in your life of some kind and you are left with this WIDE OPEN SPACE. Well, this is the perfect time to make some GREAT choices. Life has paved the way for all of this new space in your life. Now its time for YOU to fill the space consciously, with only those activities, people, things, work that are POSITIVE forces in your life.

You may be starting from scratch here, and this can be intimidating, but it’s not impossible. It’s exciting! A friend of my who has had a lot of wise life experience told me yesterday, “There has been A LOT of doors that have closed on me in my lifetime, but one thing was for certain every time, another door ALWAYS opened.” The key here is to be ready and willing to jump on the opportunity when it arises. And to be open and positive to NEW opportunities that may feel very different than what we originally had in mind.

This may be one of those things where you are thinking, “Hey De, this is WAY easier said than done.” But I am going to tell you that it is just the opposite: It is EASIER done than said. What I mean here is that the “doing” is actually the easier part. For me, when I hit a crossroad like this, verbalizing all of the things that I have to do now (get a new job, buy a new car, find a new apartment, get to the doctor, etc etc) is absolutely MORE overwhelming than just going out and “DOING” the actions.

Here are 10 things you can try today to make it “easier DONE than SAID”:

1. Keep your mood stable and positive: try your best not to dwell on the closed opportunity and focus only on what is ahead. Surround yourself with positive people, uplifting natural environment, and healthy sources of energy (including healthy foods).

2. Stay gracious: shift your thoughts from those of loss to those of abundance and gratitude. Recognize 5 things you are grateful for in your life RIGHT NOW. (Repeat morning, noon and night).

3. Turn every thought into a “doable actions”: Focus your energy on forward-moving activities. Put on your GO OUT AND DO IT attitude.

4. Create a vision: write down what the life of your dreams looks like. BE SPECIFIC: include people, places, location, job, how much vacation time you want, what hobbies you want to make time for, etc.

5. Think in a “desired result” kind of way: Where are you now? Where do you WANT to be? What actions will catapult you forward towards your goals?

6. Take it one day at a time, one action at a time.

7. Recognize your options: You may need to take a step back first. Start to create a long list of possibilities. Divide a loose leaf piece of paper into 4 columns (2 on the front and 2 on the back), label the columns “What are my strengths”, “what are my passions”, “who do I know”, “what is my experience” (groups/ work/ charity), then start to FILL IN the columns and CONNECT the dots. What are you options now?

8. Stay positive and forward-thinking.

9. Act with intention and use the law of attraction to your benefit: when you focus on a few of your “desired-results” and act with intention, you will attract the things of that specific nature into your life. Always stay focused on your goals and the things that you want to create in your life. If you are consciously thinking about them, your actions will follow, and you will be able to materialize the things of your dreams.

10. GET YOUR BUTT OFF THE COUCH AND YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS! Okay, for this one, DO get your butt off the couch, but IT’S OKAY to have your head in the clouds still. DREAM BIG. Reach for the stars.

Think about it, if you’ve hit rock bottom there is NOWHERE ELSE TO GO BUT UP.

Now is YOUR time to make GREAT things happen, cheers!

xo, DeAnna Lynn Englezos

"Fake it 'til you make it" Back-to-basics on making GREAT decisions!

Life is a series of conscious and unconscious choices. Some of the choices will move us forward, some will hold us back, while others will leave us off right where we started. I’ve always admired people who are good decision-makers, people who make a decision, stick to their guns, and move forward…full speed ahead.

According to “the great life,” it all boils down to a few key points that I have outlined below. To become a GREAT decision-maker and start making GREAT decisions, you must first take a look at the internal basics:

1. Who ARE you?

When you get to know yourself inside and out, your values, your beliefs, your wants and needs, you will be able to make more consistent decisions to move you closer to the things that you truly want. So, you must first answer this question.

2. What do you VALUE?

Get to know your values; qualities you value in yourself and in others. Surround yourself with like-minded people, it will be easier to make decisions that are congruent with your values when you feel valued and value those around you.

3. What do you BELIEVE in?

For this question, I ask you to start and think about some of the things that you believe in. What are words you LIVE by? What do you believe about the world to be true? What do you believe in people? What do you believe in yourself? What are your morals? When you answer these questions you will start to act with more intention, and decisions will get easier.

4. What are your OPTIONS?

For me, it is a HUGE help to see all of my options clearly written out on a piece of paper. This helps me get my thoughts and options down in one place, and out of my head. Once you have all of your options written, ask yourself “which of these options do I want to experience right now?” That is the key. Which experience will get you from where you are now, to where you want to be with the least amount of time, money, energy and stress, and with the most amount of happiness, joy and fulfillment.

5. What is all the PRESSURE about?

Identify where you are feeling pressure surrounding a decision. Most of the time making a BIG decision feels so overwhelming because of the points of pressure involved. If it’s not a matter of life or death, ask yourself, “Where is all the pressure coming from?” Is it within you, from an outside source, the pressure to fail, etc? Once you are able to identify the pressure source, you can tackle it head-on, and relieve it. Without the added pressure, you will be able to see your options more clearly and where they fit into your wants and needs.

Lastly, I will add that once you relieve the pressure, look at ALL your options, find out what you truly want, value and believe in, you will be able to make BETTER decisions that are congruent to what you think, feel, want and believe. The next step, is to make the decision with 100% confidence. Remember: you can always alter the course as you go. But it is important to make a decision with 100% of your intention and confidence, so that you can start to act consciously and unconsciously in motion towards your GREATER goal.

And hey, if you are not 100% confident, you can always employ the “fake it till you make it” mentality. I try to use this one as a backup plan (wink wink).

What helps YOU make great decisions? Share your thoughts below, cheers!

xo, DeAnna Lynn Englezos

"Fake it ’til you make it" Back-to-basics on making GREAT decisions!

Life is a series of conscious and unconscious choices. Some of the choices will move us forward, some will hold us back, while others will leave us off right where we started. I’ve always admired people who are good decision-makers, people who make a decision, stick to their guns, and move forward…full speed ahead.

According to “the great life,” it all boils down to a few key points that I have outlined below. To become a GREAT decision-maker and start making GREAT decisions, you must first take a look at the internal basics:

1. Who ARE you?

When you get to know yourself inside and out, your values, your beliefs, your wants and needs, you will be able to make more consistent decisions to move you closer to the things that you truly want. So, you must first answer this question.

2. What do you VALUE?

Get to know your values; qualities you value in yourself and in others. Surround yourself with like-minded people, it will be easier to make decisions that are congruent with your values when you feel valued and value those around you.

3. What do you BELIEVE in?

For this question, I ask you to start and think about some of the things that you believe in. What are words you LIVE by? What do you believe about the world to be true? What do you believe in people? What do you believe in yourself? What are your morals? When you answer these questions you will start to act with more intention, and decisions will get easier.

4. What are your OPTIONS?

For me, it is a HUGE help to see all of my options clearly written out on a piece of paper. This helps me get my thoughts and options down in one place, and out of my head. Once you have all of your options written, ask yourself “which of these options do I want to experience right now?” That is the key. Which experience will get you from where you are now, to where you want to be with the least amount of time, money, energy and stress, and with the most amount of happiness, joy and fulfillment.

5. What is all the PRESSURE about?

Identify where you are feeling pressure surrounding a decision. Most of the time making a BIG decision feels so overwhelming because of the points of pressure involved. If it’s not a matter of life or death, ask yourself, “Where is all the pressure coming from?” Is it within you, from an outside source, the pressure to fail, etc? Once you are able to identify the pressure source, you can tackle it head-on, and relieve it. Without the added pressure, you will be able to see your options more clearly and where they fit into your wants and needs.

Lastly, I will add that once you relieve the pressure, look at ALL your options, find out what you truly want, value and believe in, you will be able to make BETTER decisions that are congruent to what you think, feel, want and believe. The next step, is to make the decision with 100% confidence. Remember: you can always alter the course as you go. But it is important to make a decision with 100% of your intention and confidence, so that you can start to act consciously and unconsciously in motion towards your GREATER goal.

And hey, if you are not 100% confident, you can always employ the “fake it till you make it” mentality. I try to use this one as a backup plan (wink wink).

What helps YOU make great decisions? Share your thoughts below, cheers!

xo, DeAnna Lynn Englezos

Tips for Navigating Through Some of Life's Inevitable Roadblocks: be patient, trust the process.

Have you ever felt stuck or stressed out and not able to find the right outlet? Either no one understands EXACTLY what you are feeling or going through, or you can’t quite find the words to even express what you’re feeling or going through. Well, it happens. And, it’s okay. It’s all a part of the process. Sometimes the hardest part of getting through a trying situation is the “waiting period.” The time where there really isn’t much to do to move forward, but you know something’s gotta give. It’s frustrating, and that’s okay.

Something like this has recently happened to me, and being the Type A (somewhat control-freak that I am), it takes a conscious effort for me to retrain my default defense mechanism and take into account all of the uplifting and liberating techniques that I live by. But I am a firm believer in the trades of “living in the present”, “trusting yourself and the process”, “re-connecting with your values”, “staying positive and genuine”, “simplifying” and “pushing worrisome and negative thoughts out of your life.”

Instead of letting your situation escalade into something unnecessary, more dramatic and frankly, irrelevant, take some simple steps back and help the situation, by helping yourself first.

Here are some tips that help me:

1. Have a Neutral Sounding Board. When you are in a state of transition, emotionally fragile, or even heated in the moment, a great way to diffuse the issue and gain a better perspective of your options, is to have a neutral sounding board. This outlet is something or someone unrelated to the issue at hand. This could be a friend, family member, a journal, a book, a walk/bike ride, a distraction (movies, something uplifting), music, a nap, etc. These healthy outlets help you release some of the stress related to being “stuck” and lift the pressure away from the situation. This type of release is crucial in the process of diffusing a chaotic situation, wading in transition and moving forward through an issue. It will also ward off the emotions tied to your first reaction, and help you to act in the best interest of yourself, others and the situation at hand.

2. Get support, don’t go it alone! If you are anything like me, when times get hard I lean on myself the most. I used to put unnecessary stress and pressure on myself to find the answers and console myself. Well, this actually had the reverse effect. I’ve learned over the years that getting support does not mean that you are a weak person. Strong people know how to do what’s best for themselves, and getting support from a friend, family member or even a specialized professional may be the best thing you can do to make sure YOUR GREAT LIFE stays in tact during trying times.
   
   

3. Be patient, and trust the process: This one can be a little tricky. Especially in the instantaneous world we live in. But this one is perhaps the MOST important. Find ways to distract yourself, surround yourself with positive people, distance yourself from the immediate situation and step back and be patient. Let the details work themselves out. There is something liberating about giving up control. I’ve learned this, and every time I actually live by it, I am MORE than pleasantly surprised by the result.
   
   

4. Re-connect with Nature. Something that always helps me gain a clear perspective is to spend some time in a natural place, free from distraction. One of my favorite things to do is enjoy the sunset, because its so refreshing to take some time to enjoy the very simple things in life. I also love going to a nature park with a hike trails near my house. Something magical happens when there is no one around, free from technology…just you, your thoughts and nature in its purest form. This is a great technique for problem-solving, seeing things from a new angle, gaining inspiration, releasing tension and thinking outside the box. It will also help you with #3, being patient and trusting the process.

5. Channel the negative energy into something positive. This notion really speaks for itself. Try to see the positives in the situation and focus on them. Maybe a space was created in your life, so that something new and exciting can come in and fill it. Maybe your loss was someone else’s gain, and they really needed it. Maybe you are BETTER OFF now, than you were before. You will never know unless you make a conscious effort to highlight and focus on the positives of a situation.
   
   

These are some of the ways that I have learned to cope with some of the inevitable roadblocks that life presents. It’s easy to feel off balanced when times are uncertain. But, the best way you can ensure that you are living your great life, is to take healthy actions in the midst of turmoil. Remember to have faith, be patient, trust the process and count your blessings. When you release the tension in healthy ways, you are able to react appropriately and diffuse the chaos. The best way to take care of ANY situation is to take care of yourself FIRST.

If you have any experience or insight to share regarding this topic, please feel free to comment below! We grow by helping ourselves and others, Cheers!

xo, DeAnna Lynn Englezos